


A Captain Must Go Down With His Ship, Not Without His First Officer

by excessnight



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Grief, M/M, be prepared, guys this is something i'm just gonna warn you once about
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-10
Updated: 2014-09-10
Packaged: 2018-02-16 20:51:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2284107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/excessnight/pseuds/excessnight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock doesn’t understand how to handle his emotions now that Jim is gone. He tries to fight what he feels, but can he really do it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Captain Must Go Down With His Ship, Not Without His First Officer

**Author's Note:**

> So this was a fic basically prompted when I not only fell in love with Star Trek AOS but that fucking song Pompei by Bastille. Fuck songs.

Inside, he felt numb. Hollow, was the most descriptive word he could muster the strength to conjure up. It was suddenly very… cold. Lifeless. He couldn’t trust himself in his own mind anymore, not with what he had lost from it. He had been given some time to grieve properly, as he was there at the passing of his captain, but he had politely declined. The farthest thing that he needed was the chance to grieve. Grieving would admit that he was ill of mind and he would rather not admit such a thing. He was Vulcan after all and Vulcan never showed their weaknesses. They never showed much emotion, now that Spock was completely aware of the fact. And at that very moment, he wasn’t sure he knew much of ‘emotion’ anymore. He was completely lost and confused for once; or at least for the first time he could remember. Things just didn’t make sense anymore. Nothing seemed to make sense.

The first time he had felt like nothing had made sense it was when Vulcan was destroyed and he lost his mother. That was the first time, but he was quickly grounded back to himself and reminded that it was alright to feel pain, to feel anger, and above all to feel loss. He was told it was alright to be scared and upset. He couldn’t have appreciated those words any more, if only he had shown it. Shown that those simple, pointless-yet-caring human words made something inside him at ease. But it was much too late now. He could regret and beat himself up about it all he wanted, but the chance was missed. There was so much missed. So much he would never utter aloud, no matter how much his heart ached for him to let it out. He couldn’t. He would crumble under the intensity of reality in their meaning.

The only thing he had left was logic. Science was the only sound thing left for him in his life since everything else seemed to leave. And yet, he didn’t even want to accept the logical and very reality of his life. He fought against it with every ounce of his being, like he had fought against his attraction to Kirk.  _Jim_ , he felt his mind completely shutter at the mere thought of his name. It hadn’t even been a week without Kirk and he knew he was failing miserably to keep himself alive and to move on. Oh, how would he be in three months and four days and twenty-six minutes and point eight seconds when he was supposed to have been past the normal grieving stage of a lost colleague? He knew that he would most definitely not be over the loss of Kirk. He knew very well he would never be over Kirk. That was logic. Kirk, though as irritating and sometimes irrational as he was, had become a large part of Spock’s existence. Too much so, to the point that Spock loathed to accept it to some degree.  _There was much I could have done. I could have let him know of my attraction, whether rejected or not. I could have made aware my… My emotions,_ he thought weakly as he stared absently at his hands. His hands had once touched Kirk. The warm James Tiberius Kirk that he knew, not the cold corpse he was forced to say adieu to.

Finally, something shattered inside him. It had been hanging on a thin piece of thread and now, it snapped. Tears streamed shamelessly down his face and his gut was hit with something similar to nausea. He seemed to completely forget where he was as his mind engulfed him in all the memories that were too raw for his body to handle.

_That smirk that was much too alluring for Spock to admit._

_Those blue depths that seemed to tame the raging fire inside of him._

_That commanding voice that whispered unsaid praises and promises to his Vulcan ears, no matter how harsh the order was._

Memory after memory plagued his psyche and he couldn’t escape a single one. His emotions were so high strung that he was forced to endure every single one as if Kirk was still alive. As if he would walk through that door any minute and strike up a conversation for no apparent reason at all. That he would be able to  _touch_  him for no apparent reason at all. The shattering inside him didn’t stop either. It continued like an avalanche or hurricane raging to never stop. It was loud and overpowering and it completely  _crushed_ Spock. And he could hear nothing, not even his own silent sobs, or the voice of Kirk he so badly wanted to hear. All he heard was his own inner turmoil screaming and shouting in a rage he was quite unfamiliar with.  _KIRKIRKIRKIRKIRKIRKJIMJIMJIMJIM!_ It was just a string of endless cries that no one would ever hear, except himself.

Where he was once standing he had now collapsed to his knees, his body literally curling in on itself as the pain continued to wash over him. He had been so horrible to him. How could he have been so horrible? He could have been the one to have die, not Jim! No, not Jim. Jim was much too important for the world to lose him, but Spock… Spock knew they all could go on without him. He knew it so well that it hurt him to know he had not been the one to die. Oh, how it  _hurt_ him. He wanted to die so badly, if it meant that Jim would be back alive and happy and smiling. If it meant that he could see his smiling face one last time, he would do it. The emotions, the thoughts, they were so strong that Spock was completely unsure of himself. Was this how humans grieved?

Whatever it was, he knew it was the worst thing he had ever experienced. And he wished that, if it meant his death would solve all his pain, he would end his life to restore the one who had healed him and others in so many ways. Curling up on the floor, trying to keep himself safe from the world, Spock knew two things. One he was currently thinking very illogically and two, that he was madly in love with Captain James Tiberius Kirk.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, I know it was painful. I wrote this a while back.


End file.
